Tips for navigating the holidays while grieving or with a life-limiting diagnosis
The holidays can be wonderful and challenging: it’s a time to potentially slow down, rest more, connect with loved ones… and eat a couple cookies. But it can also potentially be a time of isolation, depression (seasonal or otherwise), and frenzy as we make plans to be with family, and get things done before the end of the year. All while dealing with being encouraged to celebrate the season by buying as much stuff as possible. And put on a happy face.
To quote Dickens, the holidays can be the best of the times, and the worst of times. This bittersweetness can be even more pronounced if you or a loved one has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, or if you are grieving someone who has died.
Here are some tips that we at Sunset Companions have used to navigate the holidays. We hope you can find them of use as well.
Staying physically healthy
This time of year is full of drinking, eating rich foods, and letting our exercise routine slip (I mean, if there’s snow on the ground, how are you supposed to get to the gym?!). On one hand, relaxing is what the season is all about. On the other hand, alcohol, excess sugar, and not exercising can dissolve the foundation of health we need to navigate the challenges of the holiday season.
What we do: Annie makes sure to get 5-7 servings of veggies every day (smoothies work great for this). Once we get those veggies in, she goes wild on the pie. If there’s no other exercise (like a dance class, rehearsal, or performance) on her agenda, she makes sure to go for a 30-minute walk every day (winter walks go great with morning coffee).
Taking it easy
Whether it’s watching your favorite TV show or movie for the 50th time, reading a book, taking a bath, snuggling under your weighted blanket, petting an animal, or just being in the presence of a loved one without the need to make conversation, doing something that is calming to your nervous system is a must.
Taking it easy can also mean doing less. Navigating grief or an illness takes a lot of work. Being a caregiver is a HARD job! Some ways to modify your holiday activities can include:
Decorating
If the thought of decorating the entire house feels overwhelming, consider focusing on one special ornament or area that holds particular significance.
Gatherings
If you are hosting a gathering, can it be a potluck? Can everyone pitch in a few dollars and you order food instead of cooking yourself? Can someone else bring food while you host? Or someone else cleans while you cook?
If you are invited to a gathering, we find that it works well to commit to at least one gathering during holidays, with the promise to ourselves that we can leave at any time, with or without saying goodbye. If you aren’t able to leave the gathering entirely, find ways to give yourself short breaks: alone, or with a trusted companion.
At the gathering, sharing memories of your loved one who has died is a wonderful way of keeping their spirit alive.
Gifts
Create time-delayed gifts, or a gift of time. Each year, more and more of the loved ones of Sunset Companions say “please don’t get me anything for Christmas!” We have opted instead to offer an excursion with a loved one instead of a physical present.
For example, instead of finding the perfect gift for her young niece, Annie and her partner made a gift certificate to give to her, saying “this gift certificate is good for one trip to the zoo this spring.” The actual gift took 10 minutes to put together and the trip to the zoo was fantastic! For Russ, he likes to make gifts to charities in honor of those important to him.
Creating rituals to honor your grief and your loved one
To remember someone who has passed, you can light a candle each night in memory of your loved one. This small ritual can serve as a daily acknowledgment of their presence in your heart.
If you are working with a terminal diagnosis, create a small daily ritual to honor where you are right now. This could be eating a certain food, saying a certain prayer, reading a certain poem, or even lighting a candle, by yourself or with someone else.
Set aside time to grieve. Scheduling grieving into your day may sound counterintuitive, but it is effective. By embracing grief for a few minutes each day, you give it a chance to express itself without hindrance. This can minimize (but doesn’t eliminate!) the moments when grief sneaks up on you when you would otherwise want to feel the joy of the holiday season. You can do this in any number of ways: simply setting a timer for whatever length of time you’d like (10 minutes is good to start), lighting a candle, journaling, humming, sitting in front of a picture or your loved one, are good examples.
For example: every year, Annie re-learns how to play My Christmas Song for You on the piano. She tries to play it at least every other day. Playing this song is a way of honoring her dead loved ones. It is also a way to give her a chance to be sad– she cries almost every time she plays it. By doing this, she is embracing, and creating space for, her grief to express itself.
Getting support
Name one person (or more) that you trust that you can reach out to for support during the holiday season when you are particularly struggling. This is a person you trust with your grief who can offer a listening ear or advice. If this person is a little more removed from the grief, that tends to be more supportive. For example, if you are grieving the death of a parent, reaching out to a friend may feel more supportive than reaching out to a sibling. Ask this person now if they are willing to be your support person for the holidays.
Everyone is navigating the bittersweetness of the holidays, so all of our emotional capacity may be lowered. We may be biased, but we feel it is an honor to be asked to be a trusted support person.
Consider joining an online or in-person grief support group where you can share your experiences and receive empathy from others who understand what you're going through. We recommend the Penn Hospice grief support groups. Learn more here or call them at 610-617-2478 to learn more about what they offer.
You can also schedule an appointment with a grief coach or therapist who specializes in bereavement to help you navigate your emotions. Here are some folks we recommend:
Naila Francis, This Hallowed Wilderness - grief coach
Dr. Jamie Eaddy, DMin / Thoughtful Transitions - theologian, thanatologist
Felicia Greenfield, MSW, LCSW / Executive Director, Penn Medicine Center - grief therapist who specializes in dementia
Giving support
If you are reading this and not acutely grieving or navigating a terminal diagnosis: do you know someone who is? An incredible holiday gift could be reaching out to them, letting them know you are thinking of them, and offering some specific support: a listening ear, a cooked meal, running an errand, babysitting, or taking them out for tea.
Set Realistic Expectations
It may be a gnarly year. There may be moments of joy, and sadness, and a host of other feelings. Sometimes all those feelings happen in the same moment. As much as possible, don’t give in to the societal pressure to be all smiles and joy, and don’t give into the heavy feelings entirely.
If the holidays are still feeling overwhelming, we understand. Overwhelm may be part of the nature of the holidays this year.
Supporting people as they navigate the holidays is one of the things we love to do. Whether it’s helping you identify and connect with their trusted holiday person, being your trusted holiday person, co-creating holiday rituals - including dedicated time to grieve! - or being a listening ear as you decide whether or not to attend that one holiday party you feel like you should go but don’t really want to, Sunset Companions can be an extra layer of support as you navigate this difficult time.
Sending you support and warmth,
Russ and Annie
* Penn Medicine actually has a grief during the holidays checklist and zoom workshop that we love. It is on their online bereavement services page.
